Monday, March 2, 2009

Dedicated to my Pops...


For those that didn't catch my facebook status my father passed away this past weekend...and its still not even real to me yet. I got a call from my mom at 4:20pm telling me that she had bad news and for some reason I immediately knew...I don't know what to say, feel, think, or react to this shit because no one close to me has ever passed. I have had family members pass over the years but no one this close to home...hell the last time I cried about someone dying was my dog Snoop my freshman year and that shit really broke me up...but my dad? Like for the select few who even met or knew my dad know that he definitely was a "unique" person lol. I am trying to remember him for who he was and not just him as my dad because I know he wouldn't want me sitting up in the house sad and crying. For the few hours it was kinda crazy but I had no emotions...I was completely blank...tried to take a shower to relieve a bit of the edge...had a few drinks...nothing. Then after I dropped off Moe to work it hit me...I won't ever see his face...hear his voice or him laugh...hug him..nothing. Like even with him living in Pennsylvania I was always subconsciously comforted by the reality that he was only an email, telephone, road trip or plane ride away and not that far out of touch....that all changed yesterday. I won't be able to ever have a conversation or see him again. With that realization coming down over me so did all the emotion that I guess I hadn't realized either...I let it all out but it doesn't seem to have to helped that much because even after all that...the pit in my stomach and heart hasn't subsided. I got a few calls, emails, text and messages from friends and family, trying to help ease the pain and comfort me and although it has definitely helped...its still not enough. Tomorrow is not promised to anyone...and its not until I lost someone really close to me that I truly understood that...I will live my life with that in mind and remind those that mean something to me that I care about them because you might not have the chance to do so past this moment. I know my dad knew that I loved him and I know he loved me...but I wish I could just tell him one more time.

You weren't the perfect father, but you were the perfect father for me...I Love you Pops.

2 comments:

  1. Man, I know that feeling all too well. While I didnt lose my biological father I lost my step father last winter over winter break and that too was the first time I ever lost a loved one. We were real close, and although I know I can't 100% relate to you just know I know where you at right now man. I still deal with it everyday and reading this post caused some of those uneasy feelings to come back. I honestly don't think you ever get over it, but remembering the good times and laughing about them really does help. I know "advice" is the last thing you wanna hear right now so I'll stop. But if you ever need someone to talk to about it just hit me up fam, its nothing. You in my prayers mos def...

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  2. Here is a long overdue hug and smile...

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